Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
i out mim tonsoeep
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
