Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
