just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
