I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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