babies were throwing up all over the place
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
