Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
