thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
