I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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