went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
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