She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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