Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
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