Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
