There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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