Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
