Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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