Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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