I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i barfeds in our rink
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
