So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
