You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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