you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
