Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
