Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize