Where is the hickey?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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