would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Randomize
