he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
