I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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