I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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