we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
