apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
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