i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Randomize
