ugly people sure do ruin things
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
