My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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