Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize