The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
