Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Randomize
