I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
