You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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