I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I wish there were birth control emojis
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
