I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
