I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
