Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
