I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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