So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
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