no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Randomize
