If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
