my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
