Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
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