I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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