he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Randomize
