I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Randomize
