Don't you send me to vm
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
