Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
