You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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