Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Randomize
