Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
