God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
