and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
